February 28, 2004
I feel a hand reach through the mirror
it pulls me through the glass
and points me towards the darkness
the darkness that we never see—
but this kind of darkness will show you the light
the light of an idea—that your unconscious despair
is something that you—just have to try and define.
Is my despair:
—a need to reconcile the past
or
—a desire to pinpoint what is deficient in me?
No girlfriend and I wish I was better at math
but look harder, look deeper—
force the spirit to speak to you.
Long hair with a silver barbell pierced eyebrow—
I look at my face in the mirror and see my reflection as other
like a dog who doesn’t recognize itself in the dishwasher.
Who are you? Who have you become?
Disassociated with my new persona
I want to feel whole again
or at least quiet the war within.
At nineteen I am tender and malleable
trying to declare this identity
and I think if I stare long enough in the mirror
I believe I’ll receive answers to my questions.
I have trouble connecting my past to my future
but as I start to piece together what remnants still remain—I realize
I can still be the person who likes to color with fluorescent markers.
These days doubt lurks into everything I set out to accomplish
and yet I have this perseverance that adapts and combats
against the negative thoughts that try to overtake my aspirations.
I finally snap out of it and force myself to look away
from the mirror and my brooding discontentment.
Although, as I come down
I return, unresolved.
I return to a room full of friends
to play beer pong
with Jake, Shane, and Dave.
Red solo cups cover the dining room table
at Jake’s parent’s house in Ingram, Pennsylvania.
Eventually a little before eleven o’clock I climb in a car
and ride along with the guys for a midnight showing of Laser Floyd.
When we arrive at the Carnegie Science Center we see
they’re showing The Wall tonight in Buhl Planetarium.
When I hear the lyric goodbye blue sky
I’m inspired to connect with
another man’s war within
and think about what the word
goodbye means to me.
When we get back to Jake’s
I crash on a couch
and as I’m falling asleep
I hear someone playing
Marble Madness on Nintendo.
I close my eyes
and drift away.
